7

You knew the Pens could do it.

Pensomniac Milestone: 1000+ page views.
Of course most of them are people searching “masturbation” on Google Image Search and mistakenly ending up here.
If only that was a joke.
Oh Sitetracker, you devil.

Should they be embarrassed or should I?

Anyway, if you have kids, and they’re searching masturbation related terms on Google Images, teach them how to find porn. Google Images is great, but it’s no way to go through life.
You’ll just keep ending up here, disappointment city.

I’m sure most of the unofficial Penguins’ fan blogs get the traffic I’ve got in this blog’s existence every day.

Enough of that bs, Hockey after the jump.

 

Anybody else get the Sims 3 yet? I doubt anybody cares…
But there’s a character named Gobias Koffi.

So there’s not that much hockey.

Jim Shearer, I don’t know how you got my email.
Did I sign up for something?
Were you googling something along the lines of…masturbation?
I’ll probably never know.
Even though you (more than likely) won’t see this…Thank You.
http://www.youtube.com/user/YinzLuvDaGuins
If you haven’t seen these yet, do yourself a favor. Quality.


Confession time. Are you ready? Personal stuff right here.

Alright people, here it comes:
When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem,

 

and it’s not even that big of a deal.
Something like 8% of kids do it but whatever.



For some reason, I don’t know why,
I would just kind of sit around all day
…and draw pictures of dicks. 

 

 1971. Déjà Vu.

There’s no momentum with your back against the wall.
The Stanley Cup is 1 win away from Sidney Crosby’s hands.

Can you feel it?!

 

 

 

Read more...

A tribute to my favorite journalist

Mr. Collier, do you think I could be like you when I grow up?
We’ve never met, but you’ve already taught me so much.

In honor of your unwavering dedication to sports journalism, I’ve compiled what I feel to be your greatest hits of the 2008-09 Penguins’ hockey season.

October 4, 2008

You want Ross trophy, score often and fast

The first game of the season,
you taught me how to win the Art Ross.
I knew that the first tie breaker was goals but I didn’t know the second and third steps of the tie breaking process, should they be needed.
The second rung in the ladder is games played, “the fewer, the better”, so points per game, that makes sense…given that the players in question have identical goals and assists. The third, which I was completely unaware of, is the player that scores first.

Good timing, informative, and you said “NH of L”, which I guess stands for the National Hockey of League.  Lesson 1: Poetic License

October 5-February 11

It would seem as though Football > Hockey.
54 games:
including the best start in franchise history, and an epic slump,
nothing to write about.
But you did cover Pitt Football.

February 12, 2009

Crosby's shootout goal just a part of a significant day

There was still hope with only 26 games left. 32% of the season.
I had been wondering when the appropriate time to write a team off was, and that time hadn’t come.

February 18, 2009

Don't rule out collapse by others

6 days and 2 more losses prompted this:

What the Penguins need is disinterest and incompetence, and not from within, where there seems to be a considerable reservoir of both, but from outside the organ-I-zation.

so THAT’S what the Pens needed. They can succeed if other teams fail, “in other words, c’mon Rangers.” A strategy that would surely prepare them for playoff success.

Both the Rangers and Canadiens seem likely to be overtaken by Florida and Buffalo, but whether one or both can exit the top eight to the benefit of the Penguins is only the last best hockey hope around here.

Unless passion and energy make one astonishing comeback.

Well…likely didn’t happen and passion and energy DID make one astonishing comeback. The Pens would go 9-1 in the 10 games following that article. As the common phrase goes, hindsight is 20/20, but at least it’s not time to give up on the Pens.

February 26, 2009

Penguins get 2 points, but play leaves little doubt season is over

So with 20 games left, 24.4% of the season,
that dreaded time has come.

When this game started, the Penguins were within three hours of next year, because anything other than a win against the wretched Islanders -- the same wretched Islanders against whom they'd lost a shootout nine days before to celebrate the arrival of new coach Dan Bylsma -- and this team would be, to borrow a phrase from the infrastructure stimulus, shovel ready.

And not in a good way

Hmm…infrastructure stimulus…witty…topical…brilliant. More please…

If the Penguins can't crush the Islanders like a bug on home ice, what chance do they have of returning from an impending five-game road grind featuring four foes with winning records with the postseason still on the table?

None.

By “None” do you mean zero? and by zero, I mean 0% chance…
am I grasping this concept?
That “impending five-game road grind”: 5-0
But it didn’t stop there…

The Penguins can fool themselves to whatever extent they please that they earned two points that were absolutely indispensable last night, but the way they've played the Islanders over the past 125 minutes of ice time plus a shootout has left little doubt that they've kissed this season good-bye.

Wow. Well, I guess it’s over then.

March 9, 2009

No meltdown by Fleury; just blossoming at the right time

Suddenly the Pens are a “viable entity”

In the seconds after Crosby slid a deft forehand past Jose Theodore in the shootout, Ovechkin circled behind the red line as he formulated his strategy against Fleury. Alexander Semin and Viktor Kozlov had already failed, so it was up to The Great No. 8.

"I thought he might try high to the glove side," Fleury said. "I don't know if maybe he missed it or what?"

More likely Ovechkin over-penetrated by some fraction of an ice chip. His shot clumped harmlessly onto Fleury's pad, and Penguins poured over the boards to celebrate not only a wrap on the story line but the end of the first 5-0 road trip in the history of flightless waterfowl.

Ovechkin's "over-penetration"
Looks more like he just guessed wrong.
Tricky little move, shuffle to the backhand…
Fleury’s pads were there.

Interesting fact: Penguins are not waterfowl.
Waterfowl refers to Anatidae
Penguins are Spheniscidae
Learning CAN be fun.

March 25, 2009

Penguins and the Playoff Chase: The Book on Bylsma

Eight games remain until a postseason that to some seemed impossible only a month ago (guilty), but Bylsma's team must still sense the desperation.

Guilty? You?
The lesson here is that the trade deadline means nothing.
The Penguins didn’t do anything at the deadline last year, and certainly no team will make any moves of consequence this year either, and that is precisely why it’s worthwhile to make judgments and predictions well before that meaningless day.

May 6, 2009

Penguins' 0-2 start proves much more frustrating to fans than the players

Would it be impertinent at this point to mention that the Capitals, a better team than the Penguins all winter long, look better right now, too, wonder of wonders, and that even at that, the Penguins nearly swiped both games on Washington ice?

So what's all the twitching about?

At least you’re consistent.
Where the hell did this sudden optimism come from?
I’m not going to say that any panic was warranted, but how can someone be so calm when 2 more losses ends the season,
when that same person was freaking out with 20 games left?
Oh the fair weather, and how glorious it is.

May 24, 2009

Hurricanes downgraded

Apparently, Carolina’s hockey team is named after a meteorological occurrence.
Tropical Storm, low-pressure system
That’s so…tricky…perhaps even sly.
At the very least, original.
And it’s the perfect segue to the pinnacle of originality…

May 25, 2009

 Staals see series from both sides

The Staals are brothers.
They’re from Thunder Bay, Ontario
Their parents’ names are Henry and Linda
Mentions of Sons, Brothers, Moms, Dads
”Jordan is his brother’s keeper”
There will be 4 Staals soon.
and there’s even an “Eric Stall” in the mix
The only thing this is missing is a mention of the Sod Farm.

I have to rip off Empty Netters here…
The Staals are brothers
The Staals are brothers
The Staals are brothers
The Staals are brothers
The Staals are brothers

This doesn’t include 2 Globe Sports articles, and whatever Empty Netters didn’t find.

Fun Activity: Google “Staal Brothers” and see what comes up.

The most important lesson of all:
Meeting a deadline at the cost of original thought 
It’s not only acceptable, it’s encouraged.

 

So after all of that, I have to give Mr. Collier some credit:
Not everything he writes is humbug.
I say this mostly because I haven’t read everything he’s written.
And partly because a lot of his stuff is actually decent.

Please, do your part:
keep collecting paychecks
I’ll be sure to do mine:
Getting drunk and laughing at the funny parts.

Well…That’s my Larry David moment.

Read more...

It's been too long.

Not really worth putting much on the front. If you click read more, there's just some .gifs, some Mike Richards photoshops, and some half-assed thoughts on the games so far.

The past few days have been spent in the Stone Age.

Want the instructions for time travel?

  
Simple, yet effective.
Whoops.

So aside from that ordeal…
the Pens are almost through the first round.
3-1 Pens.

I’m not going to do recaps. If you saw the games, you know.
If you didn’t, shame on you.
Also…there are several links on the sidebar, most of which will have recaps far better than I could produce.
I’m here to offer a pleasant distraction.

That said, my thoughts on the games so far:

Game 1

I hate to use phrases such as “owned” or “dominated”
but at the same time…I try to keep it real.
The Penguins owned the Flyers.
The jokes in orange were dominated.

Props to Ray Shero.
Matt Cooke, Ruslan Fedotenko, Craig Adams.
Playoff performers.
To quote Jarkko Ruutu, “This is my time of year”
Sorry Jarkko. You < Cooke.

What’s Ottawa like in April? Honest question.
I really don’t know.

Game 2

Does Bill Guerin still disappear in the playoffs?
I was wrong about him.

He was a big question mark when we got him,
He may be 38 years old,
He may not be the player he used to be,
But I’m glad he’s a penguin.

Point production, veteran leadership, an instant camaraderie with his teammates…seems like a good guy.

Game 3

I don’t care much for Mike Richards.

Flyers looked much improved.
Probably feeding off of their home crowd.

Daniel Carcillo went 60 min without taking a penalty.
Really?
Is that a first for him?

The officiating has really sucked in every game of the series.
Are they biased towards the Penguins?
Stats don’t support that.

The Flyers are opportunistic.
They were handed at least 2 goals.
Subtract those 2, the Pens don’t pull Fleury…no empty net.
Oh Well.

Game 4

 
"That's probably our strategy for [Sergei] Gonchar and for [Sidney] Crosby and [Evgeni] Malkin," Richards said. "Every chance I get, I try to hit Malkin, I'm trying to hit Crosby, and I'm taking runs at Gonchar, too. It's playoff hockey. That's what you try to do, you try to get them off their game."

How’s that working out?

Empty Netters

Whatever you’re doing Mike, keep it up.
One more game.

 
CROSBY!

Crosby’s goal…legit? maybe.
Obviously I’ll take it, but I don’t know.
It realistically could have gone either way.

But the bitching done by Stevens and Biron afterward made it all worthwhile.

Game 5

Obviously it hasn’t happened yet…as of this post.

Tonight, 7:00PM, Mellon Arena

Fleury has to do it again. The Pens have to have the magic.
Whether or not the conspiracy for the Pens is true…
Tonight is our night.

Read more...

The Pensomniac Film Festival

The Playoffs are a wild ride.
Tensions rising…
Player vs. Player
Team vs. Team
Fans vs. Fans

Now, I can’t say that I hate any of the above.
But I will make fun of them.

The Pensomniac Film Festival is a tribute to hockey movies that will never be made; celebrating the glory of the Penguins, a healthy distaste for their rivals, and a peculiar sense of humor.

Join in as we review the entries in the first installment of
the Pensomniac Film Festival. Lots more...click it.

Fail or not…

”You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take –Wayne Gretzky”

–Michael Scott

After appearances on MindFreak, Scrubs, Larry the Cable Guy’s Christmas Spectacular, and a long run of AT&T commercials…
Carrot Top is back and more annoying than ever.

The main character, Scott Hartnell, an overweight winger playing for the Philadelphia Flyers, although he shows signs of being an alright guy on the inside, he’s clearly a douche on the outside. I was hardly sympathetic. With that hair, that face, those smelly farts and that orange sweater…he’s perpetually cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

My Big Fat Fat Winger scores 2 swift punches to the sack.

From the producers of the “Saw” movies; The classic story of the respected enforcer and his relationship with a man struggling to find a place.

This coming of age tale lasted only a few seconds, but afterwards, everyone, including Sergei Gonchar, breathed a sigh of relief. As it turns out, you can’t just throw a bunch of actors in front of a camera and expect it to be a movie. Beast and the Beast features a solid performance from lead actor Eric Godard, who seemed un-phased by the sorry performance of his counterpart, David Koci.

For his performance, Eric Godard receives 2 high-fives and 10min of playing time in the Playoffs. Koci, on the other hand, recieves a Sack Punch, 2 skunked Heinekens, and an account on Monster.com.
2009 Norris Trophy Winner: Sergei Gonchar
It was a Preseason game, Asshole.
And our powerplay still hasn’t found its rhythm.

Yeah I’m still bitter about that.

Max Talbot’s autobiopic MAD MAX scores while being shot with a shorthanded crew. This story of love, war, hockey, and stone-cold pimpin’ keeps audiences on their seats for the entire duration as you watch Max Talbot as Max Talbot kicking ass, taking names, and then kicking more ass. Be sure to check out the
Special Edition Playoff Beard Release
-Available for the next 2 months,
-Featuring at least 16 hours of bonus footage of the man himself-doing what he does; with a beard that only He who is Max could ever sport.

MAD MAX scores 2 Playoff-Game Winners, with Max Talbot receiving the coveted Darius Kasparaitis award for the actor who best outperforms expectations.

A tragedy of epic proportions, this tale of desperation and failure was a finalist in the PFF, based solely on the enjoyment and glee felt after viewing it. Starring Mike Green and Alex Ovechkin, featuring supporting cast: Marty “French Toast” Biron, Sergei Fedorov, and Alexander Semin; with cameos by old fan favorites Peter Bondra and Adam Oates.

Written and Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, follows the stories of several Capitals seasons chronicling excitement, hope, disappointment, and despair. Watch as each season unfolds with promise, and unravels at the hands of the Penguins, 4 times, with a surprise twist at the end.
Spoiler alert: At the very end of the film, a short storyline is played based on the ‘97-98 playoffs where the Caps avoided the Penguins, only to be embarrassed in 4 games in their first and only legitimate shot at the cup.

The social phenomenon of Crosby Bashing has spread like wildfire across the nation. In response to all of the undue criticisms…
Sidney Crosby strikes back, and this time, he wants blood.

2 High-Fives, 30pts, and a license to punch sack.

Average guy Petr Klaven just got engaged. His fiancé, Zooey, has lots of friends who are close and fun and even talk about him behind his back. Petr likes his job, but he’s been a little down on his luck, although his dreams are big.
After he found a new place to hang out, courtesy of his adopted half-brother(and agent) Allen Robbie Walsh, He found a new friend named Sidney. Despite their best efforts, their friendship never really panned out. Then, Petr decides to hang out around the second line, and meets his new friend Evgeni. Even though Zooey doesn’t really care for Evgeni and his calm, cool (practically aloof) demeanor, Petr has found his best man.

High Fives for the 2 leads, and may they continue making movies as a duo until Petr calls it quits. (or stops being a good friend)

An electrician finds himself in the heart of Philadelphia, where he encounters a stench like he’s never smelled before. Little does he know, the government is well aware of the stank. The shit smell finds its way all over Pennsylvania, before attempting to settle in Pittsburgh. There are widespread efforts to make excuses for it, such as a hoax that a sewage plant exploded, or that the referees are too biased, but In the end, all it takes is a quick reminder of who’s boss by the Penguins, and the stink goes back to Philly.

And the winner of the prestigious Palme d’Poilue

Throughout the 82-part prelude, you hear the sounds of the action, and the voices of the narrators. Barely an audible utterance from either of the two stars.

The beginning is fast paced and action packed but then the movie slows to a crawl. You weren’t able to turn away before, and you won’t be able to then either. The pace begins to pick back up, right before the climax.

The film features a bonus short at the end:

Read more...

Thanks

This is going to be short and sweet. No need to click read more...even though it's there.

Thank You Puck Huffers and Thank You to everyone that clicked over.

Just got Twitter set up.

Let me know what you think.

More Later...
That is all for now.

Read more...