Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Pensomniac Film Festival

The Playoffs are a wild ride.
Tensions rising…
Player vs. Player
Team vs. Team
Fans vs. Fans

Now, I can’t say that I hate any of the above.
But I will make fun of them.

The Pensomniac Film Festival is a tribute to hockey movies that will never be made; celebrating the glory of the Penguins, a healthy distaste for their rivals, and a peculiar sense of humor.

Join in as we review the entries in the first installment of
the Pensomniac Film Festival. Lots it.

Fail or not…

”You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take –Wayne Gretzky”

–Michael Scott

After appearances on MindFreak, Scrubs, Larry the Cable Guy’s Christmas Spectacular, and a long run of AT&T commercials…
Carrot Top is back and more annoying than ever.

The main character, Scott Hartnell, an overweight winger playing for the Philadelphia Flyers, although he shows signs of being an alright guy on the inside, he’s clearly a douche on the outside. I was hardly sympathetic. With that hair, that face, those smelly farts and that orange sweater…he’s perpetually cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

My Big Fat Fat Winger scores 2 swift punches to the sack.


From the producers of the “Saw” movies; The classic story of the respected enforcer and his relationship with a man struggling to find a place.

This coming of age tale lasted only a few seconds, but afterwards, everyone, including Sergei Gonchar, breathed a sigh of relief. As it turns out, you can’t just throw a bunch of actors in front of a camera and expect it to be a movie. Beast and the Beast features a solid performance from lead actor Eric Godard, who seemed un-phased by the sorry performance of his counterpart, David Koci.

For his performance, Eric Godard receives 2 high-fives and 10min of playing time in the Playoffs. Koci, on the other hand, recieves a Sack Punch, 2 skunked Heinekens, and an account on
2009 Norris Trophy Winner: Sergei Gonchar
It was a Preseason game, Asshole.
And our powerplay still hasn’t found its rhythm.

Yeah I’m still bitter about that.

Max Talbot’s autobiopic MAD MAX scores while being shot with a shorthanded crew. This story of love, war, hockey, and stone-cold pimpin’ keeps audiences on their seats for the entire duration as you watch Max Talbot as Max Talbot kicking ass, taking names, and then kicking more ass. Be sure to check out the
Special Edition Playoff Beard Release
-Available for the next 2 months,
-Featuring at least 16 hours of bonus footage of the man himself-doing what he does; with a beard that only He who is Max could ever sport.

MAD MAX scores 2 Playoff-Game Winners, with Max Talbot receiving the coveted Darius Kasparaitis award for the actor who best outperforms expectations.

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A tragedy of epic proportions, this tale of desperation and failure was a finalist in the PFF, based solely on the enjoyment and glee felt after viewing it. Starring Mike Green and Alex Ovechkin, featuring supporting cast: Marty “French Toast” Biron, Sergei Fedorov, and Alexander Semin; with cameos by old fan favorites Peter Bondra and Adam Oates.

Written and Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, follows the stories of several Capitals seasons chronicling excitement, hope, disappointment, and despair. Watch as each season unfolds with promise, and unravels at the hands of the Penguins, 4 times, with a surprise twist at the end.
Spoiler alert: At the very end of the film, a short storyline is played based on the ‘97-98 playoffs where the Caps avoided the Penguins, only to be embarrassed in 4 games in their first and only legitimate shot at the cup.


The social phenomenon of Crosby Bashing has spread like wildfire across the nation. In response to all of the undue criticisms…
Sidney Crosby strikes back, and this time, he wants blood.

2 High-Fives, 30pts, and a license to punch sack.


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Average guy Petr Klaven just got engaged. His fiancé, Zooey, has lots of friends who are close and fun and even talk about him behind his back. Petr likes his job, but he’s been a little down on his luck, although his dreams are big.
After he found a new place to hang out, courtesy of his adopted half-brother(and agent) Allen Robbie Walsh, He found a new friend named Sidney. Despite their best efforts, their friendship never really panned out. Then, Petr decides to hang out around the second line, and meets his new friend Evgeni. Even though Zooey doesn’t really care for Evgeni and his calm, cool (practically aloof) demeanor, Petr has found his best man.

High Fives for the 2 leads, and may they continue making movies as a duo until Petr calls it quits. (or stops being a good friend)

An electrician finds himself in the heart of Philadelphia, where he encounters a stench like he’s never smelled before. Little does he know, the government is well aware of the stank. The shit smell finds its way all over Pennsylvania, before attempting to settle in Pittsburgh. There are widespread efforts to make excuses for it, such as a hoax that a sewage plant exploded, or that the referees are too biased, but In the end, all it takes is a quick reminder of who’s boss by the Penguins, and the stink goes back to Philly.

And the winner of the prestigious Palme d’Poilue


Throughout the 82-part prelude, you hear the sounds of the action, and the voices of the narrators. Barely an audible utterance from either of the two stars.

The beginning is fast paced and action packed but then the movie slows to a crawl. You weren’t able to turn away before, and you won’t be able to then either. The pace begins to pick back up, right before the climax.

The film features a bonus short at the end:


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