Thursday, April 23, 2009

It's been too long.

Not really worth putting much on the front. If you click read more, there's just some .gifs, some Mike Richards photoshops, and some half-assed thoughts on the games so far.

The past few days have been spent in the Stone Age.

Want the instructions for time travel?

Simple, yet effective.

So aside from that ordeal…
the Pens are almost through the first round.
3-1 Pens.

I’m not going to do recaps. If you saw the games, you know.
If you didn’t, shame on you.
Also…there are several links on the sidebar, most of which will have recaps far better than I could produce.
I’m here to offer a pleasant distraction.

That said, my thoughts on the games so far:

Game 1


I hate to use phrases such as “owned” or “dominated”
but at the same time…I try to keep it real.
The Penguins owned the Flyers.
The jokes in orange were dominated.

Props to Ray Shero.
Matt Cooke, Ruslan Fedotenko, Craig Adams.
Playoff performers.
To quote Jarkko Ruutu, “This is my time of year”
Sorry Jarkko. You < Cooke.

What’s Ottawa like in April? Honest question.
I really don’t know.

Game 2

Does Bill Guerin still disappear in the playoffs?
I was wrong about him.

He was a big question mark when we got him,
He may be 38 years old,
He may not be the player he used to be,
But I’m glad he’s a penguin.

Point production, veteran leadership, an instant camaraderie with his teammates…seems like a good guy.

Game 3

I don’t care much for Mike Richards.

Flyers looked much improved.
Probably feeding off of their home crowd.

Daniel Carcillo went 60 min without taking a penalty.
Is that a first for him?

The officiating has really sucked in every game of the series.
Are they biased towards the Penguins?
Stats don’t support that.

The Flyers are opportunistic.
They were handed at least 2 goals.
Subtract those 2, the Pens don’t pull Fleury…no empty net.
Oh Well.

Game 4

"That's probably our strategy for [Sergei] Gonchar and for [Sidney] Crosby and [Evgeni] Malkin," Richards said. "Every chance I get, I try to hit Malkin, I'm trying to hit Crosby, and I'm taking runs at Gonchar, too. It's playoff hockey. That's what you try to do, you try to get them off their game."

How’s that working out?

Empty Netters

Whatever you’re doing Mike, keep it up.
One more game.


Crosby’s goal…legit? maybe.
Obviously I’ll take it, but I don’t know.
It realistically could have gone either way.

But the bitching done by Stevens and Biron afterward made it all worthwhile.

Game 5

Obviously it hasn’t happened yet…as of this post.

Tonight, 7:00PM, Mellon Arena

Fleury has to do it again. The Pens have to have the magic.
Whether or not the conspiracy for the Pens is true…
Tonight is our night.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Pensomniac Film Festival

The Playoffs are a wild ride.
Tensions rising…
Player vs. Player
Team vs. Team
Fans vs. Fans

Now, I can’t say that I hate any of the above.
But I will make fun of them.

The Pensomniac Film Festival is a tribute to hockey movies that will never be made; celebrating the glory of the Penguins, a healthy distaste for their rivals, and a peculiar sense of humor.

Join in as we review the entries in the first installment of
the Pensomniac Film Festival. Lots it.

Fail or not…

”You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take –Wayne Gretzky”

–Michael Scott

After appearances on MindFreak, Scrubs, Larry the Cable Guy’s Christmas Spectacular, and a long run of AT&T commercials…
Carrot Top is back and more annoying than ever.

The main character, Scott Hartnell, an overweight winger playing for the Philadelphia Flyers, although he shows signs of being an alright guy on the inside, he’s clearly a douche on the outside. I was hardly sympathetic. With that hair, that face, those smelly farts and that orange sweater…he’s perpetually cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

My Big Fat Fat Winger scores 2 swift punches to the sack.


From the producers of the “Saw” movies; The classic story of the respected enforcer and his relationship with a man struggling to find a place.

This coming of age tale lasted only a few seconds, but afterwards, everyone, including Sergei Gonchar, breathed a sigh of relief. As it turns out, you can’t just throw a bunch of actors in front of a camera and expect it to be a movie. Beast and the Beast features a solid performance from lead actor Eric Godard, who seemed un-phased by the sorry performance of his counterpart, David Koci.

For his performance, Eric Godard receives 2 high-fives and 10min of playing time in the Playoffs. Koci, on the other hand, recieves a Sack Punch, 2 skunked Heinekens, and an account on
2009 Norris Trophy Winner: Sergei Gonchar
It was a Preseason game, Asshole.
And our powerplay still hasn’t found its rhythm.

Yeah I’m still bitter about that.

Max Talbot’s autobiopic MAD MAX scores while being shot with a shorthanded crew. This story of love, war, hockey, and stone-cold pimpin’ keeps audiences on their seats for the entire duration as you watch Max Talbot as Max Talbot kicking ass, taking names, and then kicking more ass. Be sure to check out the
Special Edition Playoff Beard Release
-Available for the next 2 months,
-Featuring at least 16 hours of bonus footage of the man himself-doing what he does; with a beard that only He who is Max could ever sport.

MAD MAX scores 2 Playoff-Game Winners, with Max Talbot receiving the coveted Darius Kasparaitis award for the actor who best outperforms expectations.

50firstrounds copy
A tragedy of epic proportions, this tale of desperation and failure was a finalist in the PFF, based solely on the enjoyment and glee felt after viewing it. Starring Mike Green and Alex Ovechkin, featuring supporting cast: Marty “French Toast” Biron, Sergei Fedorov, and Alexander Semin; with cameos by old fan favorites Peter Bondra and Adam Oates.

Written and Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, follows the stories of several Capitals seasons chronicling excitement, hope, disappointment, and despair. Watch as each season unfolds with promise, and unravels at the hands of the Penguins, 4 times, with a surprise twist at the end.
Spoiler alert: At the very end of the film, a short storyline is played based on the ‘97-98 playoffs where the Caps avoided the Penguins, only to be embarrassed in 4 games in their first and only legitimate shot at the cup.


The social phenomenon of Crosby Bashing has spread like wildfire across the nation. In response to all of the undue criticisms…
Sidney Crosby strikes back, and this time, he wants blood.

2 High-Fives, 30pts, and a license to punch sack.


iloveyouman copy
Average guy Petr Klaven just got engaged. His fiancĂ©, Zooey, has lots of friends who are close and fun and even talk about him behind his back. Petr likes his job, but he’s been a little down on his luck, although his dreams are big.
After he found a new place to hang out, courtesy of his adopted half-brother(and agent) Allen Robbie Walsh, He found a new friend named Sidney. Despite their best efforts, their friendship never really panned out. Then, Petr decides to hang out around the second line, and meets his new friend Evgeni. Even though Zooey doesn’t really care for Evgeni and his calm, cool (practically aloof) demeanor, Petr has found his best man.

High Fives for the 2 leads, and may they continue making movies as a duo until Petr calls it quits. (or stops being a good friend)

An electrician finds himself in the heart of Philadelphia, where he encounters a stench like he’s never smelled before. Little does he know, the government is well aware of the stank. The shit smell finds its way all over Pennsylvania, before attempting to settle in Pittsburgh. There are widespread efforts to make excuses for it, such as a hoax that a sewage plant exploded, or that the referees are too biased, but In the end, all it takes is a quick reminder of who’s boss by the Penguins, and the stink goes back to Philly.

And the winner of the prestigious Palme d’Poilue


Throughout the 82-part prelude, you hear the sounds of the action, and the voices of the narrators. Barely an audible utterance from either of the two stars.

The beginning is fast paced and action packed but then the movie slows to a crawl. You weren’t able to turn away before, and you won’t be able to then either. The pace begins to pick back up, right before the climax.

The film features a bonus short at the end:



Monday, April 13, 2009


This is going to be short and sweet. No need to click read more...even though it's there.

Thank You Puck Huffers and Thank You to everyone that clicked over.

Just got Twitter set up.

Let me know what you think.

More Later...
That is all for now.


ALITP Pt. 5- Matchups, Predictions, some Loose Ends

Just Click Read More...It's worth it.

Click any of these pictures if you're having trouble viewing them. This is still a work in progress.

After 82 games: This is it.

Wed, April 15 7:00 FSN, Versus
Fri, April 17 7:00 FSN, Versus
Sun, April 19 3:00 NBC
Tue, April 21 7:00 FSN, Versus
Thur, April 23* 7:00 FSN, Versus
Sat, April 25* 3:00 NBC
Mon, April 27* 7:00 FSN, Versus

Here are my predictions for the first round in the
Western Conference:

  • San Jose over Anaheim, 6 games.
  • Calgary over Chicago, 6 games.
  • Vancouver over St. Louis, 7 games.
  • Detroit over Columbus, 5 games.

I can’t offer any real insights into the Western Conference; I just don’t follow it that closely. But now we come to…

The Eastern Conference

8 Montreal over 1 Boston
7 games.
Montreal was able to score 4 on Tim Thomas in an OT loss last week. You can’t feel good about that if you’re Boston. Montreal’s defense shuts down MarkyMark and crew.
Boston Bruins vs. TPC Boston—Tuesday, April 28th

7 New York over 2 Washington
6 games.
Could Pens fans have wanted a better matchup for the Caps?
The Rags’ penalty kill has been lights out since Tortorella took over at 91.5%. If they can shut down the Caps’ power play and score some 5v5 goals, last season’s nightmare becomes this season’s reality for the Washington Capitals.

6 Carolina over 3 New Jersey
6 games.
That’s right. I picked each of the top 3 teams in the east to lose in the first round. Will it happen? maybe not, but it’s more of a possibility this post-season than most. Carolina has been peaking at the right time, but will their defense hold up? Cam Ward will steal the series, but he’ll break down during the second round.

And finally, the moment you’ve read this far for…or scrolled to…

4 Pittsburgh over 5 Philadelphia
7 games.

You had to know that I’d pick Pittsburgh, but lets keep it real. Coach John Stevens was quoted saying,

"You have to go into this series with a checking mind-set. The games that we've had success in we played with an emotional edge but had that line of discipline."

I hope they come into the series with a defensive mind-set. That’s just laying down the framework to sit in your own zone and play defense for 60min, a strategy that worked for Michel Therrien so well, in fact, that GMRS decided it was worth paying him to not coach.

The Flyers will focus all of their attention on Malkin and Crosby, another strategy that’s worked.
Here are Crosby’s stats against the Flyers this season.

Screwy Pic. Click it.

Malkin has 7pts against the Flyers this season. I’m not doing a pic for him…due to the way the one above turned out.

I am please with how that turned out though.

The Flyers are good, just like they were last year,
The Pens are good, just like they were last year,
Both might even be a little better.
But when they asked last season, “Why not us?”
The answer was simply,”Because of the Penguins.”
unclesam copy

Go Pens.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Evgeni Art Ross Malkin

Should be Evgeni Hart Malkin,

Will be Evgeni Conn Smyth Malkin.

The Pens played their final game of the season tonight in Montreal.

Miro is back, but didn’t dress
After today, we can officially look at the brackets.
Maybe even later today on here.
lots more. jump.

Malkin beat Ovechkin by 3pts.


That’s the fist-pump of NHL’s Leading Scorer.
Can’t see that enough.

Open it in a new window to resize.

So I wanted to take a look at some conventional stats in some unconventional ways…
And then try to make something of it.

What you’re looking at is a chart that uses Penguin player’s height and weight to determine a very raw “density” value.

Now I realize that this stat lacks some validity because it doesn’t address a lot of variables.But this is patternicity,

I’m looking for a pattern or some significance, where there is none.

But because I believe in it, it is so.

So have fun.

I wish I could tell you why that looked so bad. click it.

Lets get this out of the way…There’s not much of a difference between the highest score and the lowest; the range being .732152lb/in, or about 3/4 lb/in…for dumbasses.
This chart really just serves as an interesting order of the players’ names…some players are next to others that they would almost never be compared to by any other statistic.

Make of it what you will, but here are a few observations:

If someone told you that Miro Satan was the least physically dense forward on the team before you saw that chart…
Would you have been surprised?
Maybe this isn’t “proof”, but damn. Only Fleury scores lower.
Only 1 forward in the top 5…
Oh, Grandpa.

But the next one is Jordan Staal.
Is there a better place to go off on a tangent?
We all knew he was big,
but can someone stop Paul Steigerwald from talking about how he’s going to “fill out”?

6’4-220 Jordan Staal
6’4-218 Rick Nash
6’4-221 Dany Heatley
6’4-221 Ryan Getzlaf
6’3-220 Johan Franzen

And as much as it pains me to make a “Staal Brothers” reference:
Eric is 6’4 205
Marc is 6’4 209
Jared is 6’3 195

So unless Staal has Godzilla genes…or a pituitary adenoma
This is probably it, and that’s not disappointing.

Remember, when the Penguins drafted him,
Malkin wasn’t a sure thing,
And as much as Jordan Staal is labeled a “shut-down center”
It doesn’t do him justice.

Also…Would you have expected Crosby to be next to Godard?
This is a physical comparison of the players… I can see Dupuis and Godard, they’re really not built all that different.

The great equalizer is Crosby’s fat ass.
(Chandler and Ellen, towards the bottom)
Go Pens.


Friday, April 10, 2009


So there are going to be some changes around Pensomniac.
Posts have been on hiatus for a little bit, but I'm learning new stuff to help make this better.

Go check out thePensblog. Get involved.

Click and continue...

I’ve more or less figured out how to do this “read more” thing.

The homepage will be much more navigable as you will be able to see multiple posts without scrolling forever.

That’s probably pretty disappointing to everyone else, but for me, it’s a breakthrough.

I’ve been working on some photoshops and getting a few posts prepared. When they’re ready, they’ll be good.

We’ll be doing a final look into the playoffs, covering the rags, the habs, and the flyers.

There’ll be a post after the seeding is set. Predictions and what not.

My thoughts on TK.

Good things. You should be excited, I sure am.

Click that to see the original.

Go Pens.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

ALITP Pt 4. Canes and Panthers

Been away for a while and haven’t been able to post.
The Pens have played 3 times since I last got anything done.


The Carolina Hurricanes

An NHL team since 1979, First Stanley Cup in 2005/06.
And a rich tradition it is.


Name Points +/- Shooting
Ray Whitney 24g-50a-74pts +4 212 11.3%
Eric Staal 39g-35a-74pts +15 360 10.0%
Tuomo Ruutu 26g-28a-54pts -4 179 13.4%
Rod Brind’Amour 16g-33a-49pts -21 130 11.5%

Eric Staal and Erik Cole have been reunited. They play well together. Good Chemistry.

Ray Whitney has been doing it since ‘91 and he’s been doing it consistently since 1993-94.

Tuomo Ruutu is not Jarkko Ruutu.

In the beginning of the season, Brind’Amour blew.
Lately, not so much. He was –32 or something like that…



Name Points +/- Hits/Blocked Shots
Joe Corvo 14g-24a-38pts +3 40/89
Joni Pitkanen


+10 62/121
Anton Babchuck 14g-18a-32pts +13 22/108
Dennis Seidenberg 5g-25a-30pts -10 144/153
Tim Gleason 0g-12a-12pts +5 167/130
Niclas Wallin 2g-8a-10pts 0 126/76

I never really thought about it until now…2:46AM…but there are typically only 6 dressed defensemen on a roster.
Why not cover the defense a little better with the chart.

So we saw what Joni Pitkanen had to offer the other day. He’s a slick skater with a good head for the game.

We also saw Anton Babchuck. And his slapper.

This defense joins every rush and produces points.

Does this defense really play a playoff style?
That remains to be seen.


camwardgrinchCam Ward is half grinch/half hulk.
He steals playoff joy…
And turns green when angry.


So What?!

Carolina is the other team that nobody wants to play.

Staal and Cole are back together, Cam Ward is hot.
Everything is going for these guys right now.

They just crushed the Isles 9-0.

Last game the Isles gave up 9?
Game 29: December 11, 2008
9-2 Pens over Isles.

Pens then go sour for a month…and slide into 10th.
Bad omen for the Canes?

The Florida Panthers

The Rags have made it possible for Florida to go to the Playoffs.

Florida hasn’t really made this worth my while.





Stephen Weiss




David Booth




Cory Stillman




Nathan Horton




Impressive? Not individually. But don’t be fooled easily; the offense is actually pretty deep.

David Booth is 24 years old and in his 3rd NHL season. His 28 goals are going to be much louder this summer than they were this season. He’ll be an RFA after this season and you can bet he’s going to want a raise. He’s going to make $675k this season.


Yeah. That’s right. The easy way out.
I took it.
And now Mr. Horton has some Whos.

Nathan Horton…For a while it looked like he was going to be the scoring winger that Shero/Crosby/the Pens needed/still need. In all honesty, I can’t say whether that was legitimate or just a rumor from someone’s comments section, but he’d look nice in black and Vegas gold.

Supporting cast in Dvorak, Frolik, Stillman, Zednik

The panthers also get some offense provided by Bouwmeester, McCabe, and even Ballard.

Jaybo is overrated.

This team has an even plus/minus, 223g for and against

Tomas Vokoun-2.48GAA, .926Sv%, 6 shutouts, 24-22-6.

I’m getting sick of talking about the Panthers…as if you couldn’t tell by this point.

If they get into the playoffs…then get past the first round, I’ll feel bad that I didn’t look at them harder.

Check out a cool trick.

Go Pens.


Thursday, April 2, 2009

ALITP Pt. 3 The Washington Capitals

Finally. You’d think that I’ve been tirelessly working to make this the best post possible.

You’d be wrong.

crapitalsSo the Caps are having a good year. They’re 47-23-7 for 101pts, good for the 2 seed in the Eastern Conference.

If the playoffs started today…the Caps would be playing the Rags. Realistically, they could see the Rags, the Habs, the Canes, the Pens, and the Panthers.

Although the Panthers have won 3 straight, no one has slipped far enough to allow them into the top 8.

Scroll to the Bottom if you don’t care.


Name Points +/- shots shooting%
Ovechkin 54g-47a-101pts +12 487 11.1%
Backstrom 22g-60a-82pts +15 168 13.1%
Semin 29g-43a-72pts +25 201 14.1%
Green 30g-40a-70pts +24 233 12.9%

Ovechkin is a big deal…but who doesn’t know that already. The guy is, for the most part, one-dimensional. He skates and shoots.

And takes cheap shots. Say what you want about Sid, you won’t see him pull one of those.

He might punch you in the sack though.

Semin led the league in scoring until he got hurt. His +25 is telling too. He plays responsible, 2-way hockey, and some would argue that he’s the most complete player on the Capitals.

Backstrom… This guy is a patient, playmaking center. He doesn’t shoot much though—but when your left wing has over 400 shots—do you need to?

Mike Green’s having a good season…and his 30 goals might not be a fluke. The guy can shoot the puck and knows when to join the rush.

Viktor Kozlov is 6’5, 235lbs. Did anyone realize that? Does he?

At this point there are  2 roads that it can take…

Let’s take the high road.


1 Olympics, 1 Gold Medal, 2 Happy Endings.


John Erskine, Mike Green, Milan Jurcina, Brian Pothier, Tom Poti, Jeff Schulz, and a man who knows a thing or two about having his name misspelled…Shaone Morrisonn.

Is this the defense you want for a run to the Cup?


The Capitals are 19th in the league with 2.86ga/g.

The Penguins are 18th…But did the Caps go a month and a half without winning? No.








Jose Theodore





Simeon Varlamov





Varlamov is going to be the #1 in a few years. But not yet.

For now…Jose Theodore, a talented goalie with a penchant for dramatic.  He’s had some problems with focus over the years.

Want to score on him? Go top shelf. This guy drops faster than the Caps will in the first round.

One of those goalies that’s a little too fast for his own good at times.

theodore1 theodore2

Finasteride, a banned steroid-masking agent, is marketed as Propecia; and it will help you grow a beautiful head of hair.

Special Teams

The Caps Power Play is No. 2 at 25.2%, good for 79 goals.

Ovechkin is #1 in PP points, 18g-25a-43p

Next biggest threats come from:
Nicklas Backstrom 14g-27a-41pts #3
and Mike Green 18g-19a-37pts

Subtract those 3 players; you still have 29 goals on the Power play.

The Caps Penalty Kill is #20 at 80.0%

They’re not really a shorthanded threat…Ovechkin doesn’t kill penalties.

The Caps have given up 10 shorthanded goals this season.

So What?

The Capitals have the most prolific goal scorer in the game today.

They also have a respectable goaltender, a defense led by high-scoring Mike Green, and a top notch offensive supporting cast.

    The Capitals have: The Penguins have:
  • 8 players with 10+
  • 6 have 15+
  • 4 have 20+
  • 2 have 30+
  • 1 has 50+
  • 12 players have 10+
    7 have 15+
    6 have 20+
    2 have 30+
    0 have 50+
    More like an illusion of depth.

      I’m picking them to lose in the first round. Again.


      tinman copy


      Go Pens.